In hindsight I think how the abuse started. There were many warning signs/red flags. In his actions, words, etc. Then there was me, there were the same amount of red flags in my demeanor, thought process, self image as to why I allowed abuse to enter my life. So, why did I stay? Why did I get married? Why did I ignore my instincts?
- I was pregnant and desired a two parent family for my daughter.
- I was pregnant and wanted to share my experiences with a partner.
- Religious beliefs of loving someone without conditions.
- My living expenses were more than my paychecks.
- He was a friend.
- My friends and family loved him.
- I had a whirlwind of relationships, and I didn’t want anymore.
- My self esteem in relationships was at a low point.
Religion and Right Living:
I wanted a family. I didn’t want to date anymore. I wanted to love one person without conditions. Religion teaches us to want these things, and with a child on the way I wanted to give my child the optimum. I wanted to give her as close of the right life as I possibly could. In my mind, she had been cheated a relationship with her biological dad, cheated from a two parent home. One of those two I could correct.
Friendship and Family:
He had been my friend for awhile. He was one of those friends who swept in and did above and beyond when I was in need. He was generous in gifts and time. In fact he started being there for me everyday. Everyday, even days I asked for time to myself, he still invited himself over. My “no’s” were weak and he didn’t listen.
He was a part of my friend group, and he charmed my family. He was starting to be viewed as “the prince riding up on a white horse”.
Money:
My finances had plummeted when it was just me. With a little help I was on top again. That was with extra side jobs like tutoring, and a seasonal position, as well as summer school. Soon it would be me and a child, without the extra time for side income. I feared finding myself living in the ghetto with horrible child care for my future child.
Self Esteem:
Poor finances, a rocky past in relationships, and a history of bouts with anxiety and depression. If I had all these “issues” who was I not to except his “issues”. Problem is I allowed myself to process the warning signs as issues. These two are not the same.
Unguarded Heart:
Before my child was conceived, I was involved in a Women’s Study at church about keeping a guarded heart. I was far off from this, my heart was open to men who did not earn it. I was involved with men who did not love me, guys who were not even in search of love or a relationship. I became pregnant unplanned, and the way he (he who helped me conceive) handled it, is a great example of who I allowed in my heart. Enough times of allowing the wrong person in my heart gave me the impression I was unlovable.
Red Flags, Red Flags, Red Flags:
- Wanting to be loved when it is too much to love yourself.
- Wanting to belong in a family, to create a family.
- Leaving your heart open to be trampled on.
It is positives to want to love and be loved, to desire a family, and to have a open heart. But to throw caution to the air, and want these goals above all else left me vulnerable.
Now, cleaning up the rubble in my heart has been a daily chore. It is not enough to know the warning signs an abuser emits, what are the warning signs in yourself that allow you to ignore them?
~Kara
Pingback: Red Flags – Warning signs in me – a repost from MovedByFaith « A Cry For Justice
Reblogged a section of this at cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com
Thanks Kara. great post. You’re brave to put it out there.
Thank you, Barbara.
That’s an interesting thought that is so worth exploring. I have come to the conclusion that we allowed it because we didn’t know any better. If we did, we wouldn’t have done it. We had no choice in allowing certain things as children. Children absorb whatever is given to them. We accepted lies as truth. We didn’t know that lies were imposed on us. Everything around us seemed to confirm that whatever we believed was normal. Then we became adults but that doesn’t mean that we automatically, magically, one day saw through the lies and replaced them with the truth. In order to not open ourselves up to predators, we had to have faced the damage caused by the messages forced upon us as children, acknowledged and validated the damage, and replaced the lies with the truth.
Simply knowing that we have a tendency to have dysfunctional relationships is not enough. Finding out WHY is the key. Otherwise, all we do is add to the lies we already believe – that we are flawed, guilty, responsible for the way we get treated, etc. What we need to realize is that we are not to blame for the worldview passed down to us and that we had no choice but to accept it. Once we do that hard work of identifying the mistreatment done to us by the many caregivers and authority figures in our early life, we begin to uncover HOW the damage was done, WHY we came to believe those things you pointed out as red flags, validate ourselves and begin to throw out the lies and believe the truth.
Very insightful! I think in some situations that is exactly true. I am not sure all women who find themselves in an abusive marriage were abused or mistreated as children. Although I am sure there is a strong correlation between the two! Worth researching for sure though! I agree though that “simply knowing that we have a tendency to have dysfunctional relationships is not enough”. Thanks for your comments!
-Em
Great Post Kara! I have added you to our links on http://www.hurtbylove.com
Thanks!!
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