Happy Weekend ~
I am in awe of her words and her heart! Kara is struggling with the exact same thing right now. What she said that I keep replaying in my head is “I just want peace”. God Bless her! If its not one avenue to abuse her he does something else and it becomes so exhausting. The pain Christie Brinkley is experiencing reminds me so much of the same look Kara has in her eyes.
Thanks Paula for posting this! I had to share it too.
I am beyond irritated with the response of Matt Lauer. I think Tina says it best on her blog onemomsbattle. I myself can’t seem to find the words…
Isn’t there a saying Hindsight is 20/20?
thefreedictionary.com defines the phrase as:
Perfect understanding of an event after it has happened; – a term usually used with sarcasm in response to criticism of one’s decision, implying that the critic is unfairly judging the wisdom of the decision in light of information that was not available when the decision was made.
Somehow this small definition makes me feel a little better. I must admit, I struggle with seeing so many signs and not even recognizing them myself at the time.
I was reading from Susan Brewster, How to be an anchor in the Storm. She mentioned that
“A man’s attempt to intimidate his partner with a certain look when he doesn’t think others are watching is another sign of emotional abuse.”
This was a sign I would over look, I would see him give her a sideways glance. Often. It was a small red flag for me.
He would humiliate her relentlessly, yet again another sign of domestic abuse. He would tease her in what seemed to be good fun but really it made everyone in the room quite uncomfortable.
His way of “joking” was doing nothing more than tearing her down. It was uncomfortable, so we would laugh it off. She was laughing too, of course, but truthful she wasn’t laughing because what he said wasn’t funny. I remember the incident like it was yesterday. Kara was feeding her 6 week old baby on the couch and he said, “I have no problem fattening her up, now getting her to lose the weight is the hard part, she is fat and flabby”. He laughed. I was in shock, I even tried to hide it from Kara because she didn’t hear it, but he made sure to have her ask me about it later.
I wish I wish I wish I knew more then. I still can’t believe I didn’t see it.
Here Paula discusses how individuals come together to help support each other as they heal from domestic violence. Thought you may enjoy it too, make sure you check out her blog as well… insightful and inspiring!
Originally posted on Paula's Pontifications:
What comes to mind when you read or hear the term “domestic violence?” Do you picture a woman being punched and stepped on by her husband? Do you see a woman with tears running from her eyes blackened by his blows? What if I told you that this is just a small part of what domestic violence is? What if I told you that domestic violence also includes emotional abuse and sexual abuse and child abuse?
And what about the process of healing after escaping such an experience? Healing is more than waiting for the bruises to fade. Healing takes time to understand the self blame, shame, resentment, anger, depression, and fear.
In court her counselor said that he would use the legal system to abuse her. We hoped and prayed that she was wrong, seemingly, and very scarily she is right time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time (you get the point)…again! Kara’s case has been before the judge 4 times, 4 – order of protection hearing (upheld based on evidence), emergency orders, trial, motion to reconsider…now an appeal. I have tons of wonderful books and lots of documentation to back up what the counselor said but quite frankly I don’t want to pick up a dv book! I just don’t. Not even for the sake of the blog. I probably have it flagged with a great sticky note and its sitting two feet away on a shelf but I am tired. Kara said to me, this is yet again another way for him to abuse me. Fear of the unknown, the cost of legal fees. Its another punishment she must endure. So maybe this time she isn’t being pinned to the ground, or maybe she isn’t being called names I don’t even repeat here, maybe he isn’t humiliating her or berating her in a store. But the abuse continues and the cycle remains.
I woke up singing a song this morning by JJ Heller. The words I sang over and and over were – All will be made new. Amen Jesus! I am looking forward to some new. In the meantime I will restore myself in you Lord. I will pray without ceasing.
Tired but looking forward to what the new day brings. :)
PS – promise to be back to edit or add where I have found PhD’s that suggest the legal system is another venue for abuse.
Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil does not mean evil doesn’t exist. (Freedom Writer)
Just saw this on STOP this morning, had to share… its real life right now!
I lay in the silence of the darkness and hear the echoes of the night
Laying next to you I hear you breathe in the shadows of moonlight.
I want you to embrace me but I can’t stand your touch
As I feel your body close to me the pain is just too much.
The aching of my body and the bruises on my skin
How can you sleep just knowing the torment that I’m in?
This pain you have inflicted I cannot understand
How can you say you love me with the palm of your hand?
For better or worse our vows of love till death do us part
Were broken on our honeymoon like a knife in my heart.
As you’re sleeping soundly my eyes filled with tears
Is this what I have to look forward to for the next fifty years?
Silently I get out of our bed and tiptoe to the door
I then slip into the shower and fall silently to the floor.
Crying as I try to wash the filth from my skin
The memories stay to haunt me of this terror I live in.
Curled up on the shower’s floor crying my silent tears
I try to wash my bruises and escape my fears.
I wonder why you hurt me and say that it is love
Why take away my happiness and all that I dreamed of?
Like a child to be punished you say it’s discipline
”For I must obey my husband and show respect to him.”
You say that I’m deceitful and that I have affairs
I’m sleeping with the neighbour I have lovers everywhere!
The pain of your accusations cut me like a knife
How could you think I’d do that even though I’m your wife?
So you hit me to remind me not to fool around
The sanctity of our marriage is just emptiness I’ve found.
As I wipe away the tears I can still feel the pain
What is this need to punish me over and over again?
You promised to protect me but I can only wonder why
The same hand that embraces me is the same that makes me cry.
As I crawl out of the shower I had hoped to clear my head
But all I felt was hopelessness as I returned to bed.
I lay there in the shadows listening to you breathe
Wondering if I’ll ever have the strength and the courage to leave.
By Survivors by Choice
This poem reminds me so much of Kara, she would tell me she would lay next to him and listen to him breath. She would sleep with her drawstrings on her pants tied really tight “so he couldn’t do it again to me when I sleep”. She would stay up all night tossing and turning with anxiety, afraid to sleep but afraid of what lack of sleep would do to her the next day. The perpetual cycle would repeat itself night after night. Living in fear of what her next punishment would be.
What was I thinking. Kara would come to me and say I don’t know what to do when he does or says this or that. I was trying to put a bandaid on it. I knew her leaving/divorcing/separating would be monumental in our lives. I remember saying “Have you tried to be nicer with him, have you tried to not respond when he gets mad at you” ”Stop talking about how much he drinks”…on and on. I would say to friends (I am so embarrassed to admit this) “They are good people that aren’t meant to be together”. This man that is abusing the crap out of my friend and I am calling him “good”. Gross! What was wrong with me??
Well truth be told, I wasn’t getting the entire story. Like most women of abuse Kara was sharing bit by bit. I wasn’t getting the entire picture. She later said she was trying to protect him in the event they would get back together. There were other signs though that I missed. I missed that her girls warning signs. One was so tense and grabby she would pull and scratch everything. Her jaw was locked in a stressed position all of the time. The other had diarrhea so bad that it was water. Heck, her babies were saying there was something terribly wrong. All the while I was looking to put a bandaid on it. Cover it with a nice pretty bow. It wasn’t until my eyes were opened to the term Domestic Violence and what it really meant did I peel off the bandaid and begin to dive into what was really going on.
From one friend to another, I bet there is way more going on in her home and you have no idea. Don’t stop being there for her. Don’t stop asking questions. Don’t stop researching and educating yourself more. Her life depends on it.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.