Living in the aftermath…

Posted on

Sitting in church this a.m.  watching baptisms.  10+ adults were gathered on stage to give their story.  To explain to the world why they choose Jesus.  There I sat in my comfortable seat, gripping my husbands arm…completely unaware of the emotions that would hit me and come flooding in.  A woman (early 30′s) story was that she is choosing to have faith in God.  This precious woman had something about her.  I don’t know what, to be quite frank she looked as though she had Jesus all over her.  This woman’s story was that she had left her husband and was out for a year.  He was abusive to her and she left because she didn’t want her 2 year old son learning that it is ok to abuse other people.  What struck me the hardest was that she said “I am thankful that I am out now, I know it will be hard for me from now on but I have a place to stay and I have my own car now.”


When they brought her out from the water she had the look of sheer joy!  That look that only can be described fully if you have seen it yourself.

So here I sit gripping my husband, tears streaming down my face…she is happy to have a car and a place to stay.  She is thrilled to be saying I choose Jesus.  I over think all that doesn’t go the way I plan for it to.  I sit and wonder when/if/why… and here is this woman.  I try to control what isn’t for me to control.  I try to plan what isn’t mine to plan.

As we were driving our family home I kept replaying her in my mind over and over… her sweet face is etched in my memory.  I know what the one year out anniversary looks for the precious souls that dare to venture out.   Her story is a lesson for me on so so many levels.  Choosing Jesus when life seems bleak beyond belief.  Knowing & remembering how incredibly thankful I am.  Waiting on His perfect timing.  Not rushing the process (whatever the process is).

Praying for all you brave ones that venture out!  You hold a place in my heart!





Bitter Hopelessness

Lets face it; in the world of DV there are a lot of ups and downs.  The lows are bitter and they offer bitter hopelessness.  The believer is able to find some ground and realize that there is light in the tunnel.  But I cannot imagine watching a friend survive abuse and continue to be abused and her children abused without the hope that Christ brings.  Without God’s hand it would feel insurmountable, desperate…hopeless.

This quote is by Hubbard “When God is at work, bitter hopelessness can be the beginning of some surprising good.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11 – He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from the beginning to end.





Fix It Felix

The hardest part of being a supporter is that I don’t have a “magic hammer” for the “wreck it ralph” situations in my life.  In the Disney animation, Wreck It Ralph, Ralph runs around smashing a building and Felix runs behind him fixing it with his golden hammer.  Ralph is tired of being the wrecker and Felix seems quite content with his golden hammer being the hero.  In some ways I see myself as the girl version of “Fix It Felix”.  Only the hard part is; I have no golden hammer.  Golden intentions maybe.  But no golden hammer, if intentions could fix things I would be far more successful in my fixing.



What I am finding is my fixing is weak at best.  I can’t control what happens with Kara and the girls any better than I can control the weather.  My natural tendency to be a fixer gets me in trouble.  Truth be told, when I can’t fix what is broken I find myself feeling quite ill over it. Its a constant reminder to stay faithful to waiting on God, believing God, praising God for what he has done in the past and what he will do in the future.  So here I sit with a worthless hammer waiting for something to fix but (secretly) I am thankful that my hammer is worthless.  I serve  a God that can fix a whole heck of a lot better than I can!


Ship Sailing 101

Kara is here and ever present.  She is hanging on tight in the middle of another nasty storm.  When I get the chance to sit with her and iron out which details she would like to share I will be back.  For now…be praying for her.  Court Battle again.  As I learn what I can post…I will.

She’s not tired anymore though, she is rejuvenated and knows that God is here.  What an amazing feeling to know that you have God fighting your battles with you.  She is definitely learning how to Sail her Ship.  When she figures this out we will give you her notes ;)



…but I know who you are.

Alright friends,

This is not the first time I have brought you music video.  This one by JJ Heller.

It reminds me of Kara and it reminds me often of your stories, your blogs, your frustrations.  We often have no idea what God is doing. We are left feeling immense disappointment, grief, loss, pain beyond words.  The comfort in all of this is we don’t have to know what God is doing but we know who He is.  I bet this song will be a new favorite of yours too!  In this music video it seems almost to be missing something, but watch it a few times.  I get from it that even though in life you don’t understand life’s happening you keep on…trusting Him as you go through the motions, find comfort and reprieve in others.





Learn your lesson

Eat your vegetables

Sit up straight

Don’t slouch

Be polite


Abusers are lesson teachers.  They punish without thought.  Woven through all of their words seem to hold the same message…”Learn your lesson”.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard Kara’s Ex say that “she needs to learn her lesson”.  Abusers are the best punishers in the world.  They have an ability to make you learn your lesson.  Innately everyone has a way in which punishment hurts them most.  Mine is condescending words and yelling.  Nothing can shut me down faster than yelling at me or being condescending towards me.  My husband and I had a really frank conversation very early on, it went like this… “If you yell at me – peace out, I will never yell at you.”  He believed me…and I have held up my end of the bargain.  What is amazingly odd to me is how often women say their husbands have tried to teach them a lesson.

Point in case:  Kara and the X were in a heated argument (they always were) and in the hours to follow or within the next day her X would say you need to think of a punishment for the way you spoke to me, treated me etc.  She would say “I apologize, sorry, blah blah blah” to which he would say “No, what is your punishment?”.  OK imagine Kara and I having this conversation.  I would be sitting on the floor with her (we were on the floor a lot, we both had small babies and toddlers at the time) – and look at her and squish up my eye brows and say “WHAT? A punishment, make it up? – I don’t get it”.  Because he had already begun to abuse her sexually my thoughts were that he must mean a “favor”.  I asked using blatant wording (that I will kindly spare you from) and her reply was “I don’t know, next time I’ll ask.” So the next time she asked him and that only enraged him.  Looking back at that conversation I shake my head, talk about flirting with danger.  I don’t think either of us really knew the extent of his abuse or what he was capable of.  We were both in the “fix it” stage.  Some time later he asked her again “What should your punishment be?”  So the next time it happened here we are sitting in her living room on the floor, me with my twisted eyebrows wondering how now she could make something up to him.  I guess it took me a few times to realize how ludicrous this was and keeping the peace was just not an option.  We brainstormed and laughed at the idea of being punished…I said jokingly “next time, be sitting in the time out chair pouting when he gets home”.  We got up and sat in the time out chair – we are both small women  - sitting in the time out chair is completely plausible.  We laughed so hard we cried as we would hang our heads with our hair all a mess, making pouty faces, pretending temper-tantrums.  I made sure to leave before he got home.  I don’t think Kara ever used the time out chair because we were just starting to learn about Domestic Violence.  We were just starting to learn that there would be no punishment that would suffice his need.  Poor Guy to have to live with such unsettlement.  Seriously.

What are other ways abusers punish:

- withhold emotions or feelings

-disregard care

-twist blame

-reference past

-cut down who you are and where you come from

-belittle your accomplishments

-physical aggression

-minimize you

The punishment aspect of abuse is an odd one.  Ok – think with me for a moment; whom do we punish and for what purpose.  Punishment is usually meant for children (or criminals), punishment is given to help redirect a behavior or steer a child into conforming.  Ex:  Don’t run in the parking lot…we scold or reprimand our children as a means to teach them to conform to society’s standards and to protect them.  The abuser punishes as well.  Abusers are looking to get you to conform to the person that they feel you should be.  Punishment is used as a form of control.  A woman I recently met was punished for saying “no”.  She learned her lesson.  Her punishment was long enough and severe enough that I can say with 98% certainty she will never tell him “no” again.  Abusers take punishment to a whole new level…ensuring the person being punished never makes that mistake again.  They make it count.  PLEASE let me be clear, you don’t have to be hit to be punished.  Often times the worst punishment comes in other forms.

Kara and I were recently talking about the idea of punishments.  She said “I am glad I never learned my lesson”.  Me too, Me too!



Song Prayer – kind of

Hey – I have a song stuck in my head.  I thought it was a good one to get stuck in your head too.

I sing this song specifically for the one that I am praying for.

“I know who goes before me” I replace “me” with her name.

Thought hey if I love this song this much I bet some of you will too!

Chris Tomlin, Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)

Have a Happy Thursday Friends!



Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 85 other followers